Despite health problems, lessened energy, less dependable bodies, and anxiety about one's attractiveness, it's perfectly possible for women at midlife to have a satisfying sex life...

 You're never too old for sex

It's not true that sex is only for the young. Despite health problems, less energy, less dependable bodies, and anxiety about one's attractiveness, it's possible for women at midlife to have a satisfying sexual life.

By the year 2050 there will be about sixty-nine million people over the age of 65 in the United States alone ¹ . The time has come to discard old stereotypes about being "too old" for sex. If you've been sexually active and want to remain so, if you have a committed and trusting relationship with your husband or partner, and if you understand and are willing to work around the physical and psychological problems that often accompany aging, then you can expect to continue to have gratifying sex.

Long-term relationships may provide comfort

As it turns out, a long-term committed relationship affords the best opportunity for sexual satisfaction. Comfortable sex - that peaceful, warm ritual shared between two people who basically like and accept each other - is often absent outside of marriage (or other long-term committed relationships). This is because both partners, over the years, have come to know one another, have gone through good times and bad, and feel at ease together, even if the marriage isn't perfect. With all that history together, both are likely to want to protect their investment and work harder when increased effort is called for.

Sex at midlife and beyond

In the middle years, between fifty and sixty, extra effort may indeed be needed. This is the time when, for most people, physical problems begin to appear. A husband's prostate may hurt during ejaculation every now and then. Both partners run out of energy earlier in the day. Unexpected pain in the joints may hamper movement. Menopause approaches and many anticipate a hard time, even though most women don't have severe symptoms.

In the 60's and older years, the biggest sexual problem is slower physical responsiveness. Diminished stamina, softer erections, and vaginal dryness all present a more challenging situation for couples who are healthy ² . Combined with the various health problems typically encountered at this stage in life (for example, heart disease and diabetes, as well as the side effects of medications for these and other conditions), sexual responsiveness can be hampered still further.

Self-acceptance is essential

For the woman who wants to continue to be sexually active, an important first step is to accept (even celebrate!) her aging body. Unfortunately, popular culture is focused on youth and offers women unrealistic role models in magazines and films. This places an added strain on women who are already having difficulty retaining their self-esteem in the face of normal physical changes, such as wrinkles and softening muscles. As a result, a woman may feel more vulnerable to her partner's comments about how she looks at this time.

The crucial point to remember is that, as a wife is aging, her husband is aging, too, and probably experiencing his own impaired self-esteem. The fact that both partners have a shared history borne of a commitment they made to one another can often help them get through this awkward period of self-doubt.

Communication might be difficult - but is crucial

Another important step to preserving or even improving life in the bedroom is communication. Sexual desire depends on each partner learning what is pleasurable for the other. In addition, sex later in life may require frank conversations about what needs to change, either because of new medical problems or old, unsatisfying habits, or both.Fortunately, the ability to renew sexual interest and revitalize lovemaking is absolutely possible.

People may feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Consequently, conversing about what feels good and what doesn't can be vexing. Yet it is often critical if a good sex life is a goal.

Age-related changes that can actually improve sex

On the positive side, in her 50's and beyond, a woman no longer has to worry about menstruating due to the cessation of the female hormone estrogen that occurs during menopause. For many, this connotes freedom to be sexual without having to worry about getting pregnant. Further, sexual desire may actually increase after menopause because, as estrogen decreases, the effect of another hormone - testosterone - may increase ¹ . This hormone, which at higher levels is responsible for men's secondary sex characteristics, is associated with the sex drive in both men and women.

Relaxation, trust and tenderness

For most women, reaching an orgasm is not automatic. It requires three elements: relaxation, trust and tenderness. Of these three, trust is among the most important. To be relaxed you cannot be upset or angry. If there are interpersonal issues that need attention, it is a good idea to clear them up first. If there are long-term problems in the relationship, marital therapy might be in order.

Trust cannot be demanded; it has to be earned. It develops over time when partners come to know their relationship is a safe place to reveal their innermost selves. If trust is broken, as when a partner embarrasses his or her mate, it must be won through repeated demonstrations of sensitivity and care. Only when there is trust will individuals take the chance of sharing feelings and needs, and only by sharing that information can a sense of emotional intimacy and tenderness come about.

In other words, trust fosters tenderness and emotional intimacy. These, in turn, increase compassion for your partner and yourself. And all of these elements combine to make sexual communion gratifying. Remember - sex in marriage is like icing on the cake: you first need to bake the cake.

Asking for what you'd like

When discussing your preferences, it's essential that you word your requests in a way that conveys your needs. You must avoid sounding critical of your partner's methods. Most men like to know what pleases their partner and may even find it exciting.

If you know what you want, you might try to tactfully explain what kind of stimulation you need and for how long (it's usually for a period of time that is longer than what your partner expects). You also might want to remind him that, in order to feel comfortable, he must not ridicule or laugh at you or embarrass you in any way, and you should follow the same rule yourself. Exploring a variety of sexual techniques requires trust because some techniques will inevitably fail and both partners may end up exasperated instead of satisfied. Don't give up! Try other ideas.

On the other hand, if you're not sure what sort of stimulation you need, you can experiment together, making sure to clearly communicate what is pleasurable and what isn't. This can be done either verbally, or non-verbally, for instance, by directing one's partner's hands. Generally, sex works better when the man allows his partner to reach orgasm first, and then afterward pursues his own. Of course, sex can be pleasurable without orgasms, also.

Summary

People are living longer and their overall health continues to improve. Being relatively healthy increases the likelihood that many will want to remain sexually active. In our older years we all face changes in our bodies, and these may be accompanied by a deterioration of sexual self-confidence. This is unfortunate because cozy sex with our lifelong partner is often a source of great pleasure and comfort.

If you can get over the fact that you no longer have perfect skin and toned muscles, if you're willing to find ways around physical problems that crop up as you age, and if you have the courage to communicate with your partner about what feels nice in the bedroom, your sexuality does not have to die away. In fact, with work, patience and loving kindness you and your spouse can preserve -- and even expand -- your sexual capacity.

Links

• Sex Problems in Women
• It never ends: Aging and Sexuality - Part I
• It never ends: Aging and Sexuality - Part II
• Sex Problems in Men

For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach Still Doing It: Men and Women Over 60 Write About their Sexuality by Joanie Blank

Footnotes

1. Williamson Marvel L. PhD RN (2000) Great Sex After 40. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

2. Masters William (1986) Sex and Aging -- Expectations and Reality. Hospital Practice 21: 175-198.