How Does Loneliness Feel?

Contrary to expectations, there are large numbers of people who have never identified feelings of loneliness within themselves. They may have never said to themselves "I am lonely". But identifying loneliness is just the first step. The more complex issue is to figure out "Why am I lonely?"

Some people give lots of parties and invite almost everyone they meet. This approach sometimes works very well for a while. Other people get very busy with all sorts of irrelevant activities. These activities relieve the depression and blank out the loneliness. Single children who have working parents learn early on, to be alone and keep busy. As adults, they never learn to identify the feeling of loneliness, and may end up feeling moody.

Some lonely people talk about being bored with life, seeing the future as dismal and empty. I call this the "Blahs". In my opinion, loneliness is always associated with the deprivation of some intimacy or closeness with other people.

Why Does the Feeling Continue?

For many people, just meeting a new person is entwined with anxiety. I call this "Contact Anxiety." Thinking that they have nothing to say, some people would rather be alone than face the distress of trying to make conversation. They may see real or imagined rejection in the face of another person. And this applies to everyone - not only seniors.

Sometimes the person says to himself or herself, "Why would anyone want to know me?" While not often spoken, the corollary statement to this is: "I can barely stand myself. How could anyone else stand me if they got to know me?"

Over the course of many years I have observed very talented, intelligent and successful people who feel that they are unable to join a friendly group. Technology now provides a pathway for such people to use the Internet ( as on this and other sites) to make contact with people without feeling exposed. This then allows contact anxiety to be reduced.

How does it Progress?

Seniors who have problems with transportation and other problems associated with illness find that "keeping in touch" is difficult. Isolation tends to produce depression and getting through each day feels like a burden.

In the face of loneliness, people may search for some activity that will produce a little excitement or joy. Some folks turn to drink and the camaraderie of the local bar. Others may become gamblers. These are activities that one can do alone and get some brief but spirited excitement. It also offers the chance to occasionally meet similarly inclined persons. However, when the choices become more and more limited, isolation and depression can become more intense.

How Can You Help Someone Who is Lonely?

Gender, age and mobility are factors to take into account when trying to work with isolated people. Unfortunately, isolated people don't have anyone with whom they can discuss their loneliness. For those with access to a computer, I recommend the Internet as a place to find friendly people who are quite willing to listen.

Before You Help Someone, Evaluate their Situation Carefully

If you're a helper (e.g. relative, friend, professional or lay caregiver), the most effective way to identify loneliness is to involve the loner in conversation with a person or a group of people and watch what happens. Lonely people can come alive in a few moments and develop considerable energy. The loner may laugh, tell jokes, poke fun at him or herself, or make intense conversation. If you point out this change to the loner, and he or she accepts your observations, you are on the right track towards finding a solution to the problem. You can also observe these phenomena when you watch seniors come alive when they meet their friends.

If loneliness is the issue, then make an effort to bring people together at regular intervals. If someone is homebound, it may be possible to have a morning coffee klatch. Senior centers have specially designed activities to bring people together and this can help reduce the sense of loneliness.

Be aware that some people get some satisfaction from being alone. They are in touch with themselves and can spend many hours planning ahead, re-living wonderful events in their life and finding activities to keep themselves busy.

It is possible that someone you might consider to be a loner, is in fact, in touch with someone else, such as a friend or family member, and you simply do not know about it. It is easy to read into such people that they are miserable, and then feel inclined to do something. Sometimes a discussion is helpful to clarify the situation. If a loner is not happy being alone you can start trying to initiate some changes. But if they are satisfied with their lifestyle, it is best to leave the situation alone.

What To Do For Yourself If You Are Lonely

The best way to break the cycle of loneliness is to get involved. If you start very slowly, you can volunteer a few hours a week with a community service organization. If you belong to a church, you can offer to be on a committee. Visit a senior center and offer to help others who require assistance. Take a class and learn something new.

As always, talk about your feelings with whoever will listen. If someone knows enough and cares enough they will come up with some helpful remarks. There is no magic here. The key is to try something.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

Isolated and lonely folks have a great deal of reluctance to get involved. Their isolation and loneliness could be a result of depression. Other times, loneliness may feed into depression. Either way, if you are lonely and think that none of the suggestions here are of help to you, then consider seeking the help of a counselor. If you do not know where to find a counselor, then ask your physician or local senior center for a referral.

Remember, if you do not like your present situation and are lonely or depressed, you can do something about it to make things better. You need not accept this condition helplessly.