An Approach to Understanding Emotional Health (Part 2)

Summarized by Robert W. Griffith, MD
January 30, 2006

In this article, Dr Kallejian describes how unexpected events can seriously disrupt emotional health - possible reasons, the course of the disorder, and its resolution. Robert Griffith, Editor.

The Saga of Joe Smithson

Unexpected traumatic events

Everyone, at one time or another, has had some serious startling event intrude into their lives; for example, an unexpected death, a stock market break, or sudden severe illness. Such events usually cause a short period of confusion, but then people apply their intellect and experience to make an adjustment and take appropriate action to resolve the hurt, disappointment, pain, or fear. It's not unusual for events of this nature to occur several times in the course of a lifetime.

Something of this nature has just happened to Joe Smithson. His company was reorganized and Joe has lost his job after many years of employment. He is frightened, depressed and feels angry. His first adjustment is making sure his family doesn't know how he feels. He carefully hides his feelings and acts as though he doesn't have a concern about anything. This takes a lot of energy and Joe works harder and harder to keep well-controlled.

One important by-product of this control is that when anyone in the family does something to annoy him he becomes very agitated, which makes it still harder to control his feelings. What he may then do is work hard to control everyone around him so that they don't upset his delicate adjustment. This requires more and more energy and Joe begins to get tired. He doesn't sleep well and when he does he has horrible dreams. He stays away from people because it takes too much energy to carry on a conversation. He reads a lot and watches a lot of television. He doesn't laugh much and rarely sounds as if he's happy about anything. When anyone in the family tries to do something to please him he just brushes it off and shows little or no pleasure. At this point Joe is a good candidate to start drinking heavily, and he could easily become an alcoholic. He may feel very virtuous because he's not using drugs. But he smokes a great deal more than usual. His health may begin to fail as he gets tired all the time.

Joe is now trapped in a condition of his own making. He is both controlled within himself and controlling of others. This can go on for a long time. Joe gets more and more withdrawn to protect himself from anyone who might upset his delicate balancing act, keeping his own feelings hidden and not allowing anyone to do anything that might uncover them. He may also feel that no one really cares about him. This feeling may be true, since he has not been very lovable for some time and has alienated those who did care about him. He feels lonely and isolated.

Joe could also be Josephine. In addition to working Josephine is also responsible for a house and family. If Josephine is in this fix she may stop using makeup and let her grooming decay. Fuzz begins to appear on her legs. She will drink and smoke more, and increase her medication doses. The routine housework is never done and the home sinks into ruin. The children don't get the care they need; they soon become sloppy and school grades suffer. Joe figures that if he leaves her alone she will soon be fine. But it doesn't seem to work that way - in fact, Josephine gets worse. She may start to think of divorce.

What Happens Next

There are two built-in problems for Joe. The first is that it takes more and more energy to keep controlled and be controlling; he is anxious most of the time and internally angry and often depressed. The second is that he finds it's impossible to control people who don't want to be controlled. The family and everyone he knows can feel that there's something wrong with Joe. Nobody knows what to do to help him. He doesn't want to look for a job. His wife may find some work to bring in money to support the family, while Joe just sits there.

Not very often, but sometimes a sophisticated friend may understand the situation and try to start a personal conversation with Joe. If the timing right Joe may talk a little bit about the turmoil that's going on inside him. This is the first step towards breaking out of the prison that Joe has built around himself. The dialogue may go on for some time, and each time Joe says a little more and his intellect begins to work. At some point he can see what he's doing. Deep down, he feels like a victim. He may also feel that the world owes him something, but he doesn't know what. He is almost sure that no one would hire him in a new job and he's afraid to find out if that's true or not.

How Does This End?

If it wasn't for our intellect, and some positive past experiences and in dealing with traumatic events, we would probably all be a little psychotic, or close to it. The usual pathway towards emotional health is for Joe to begin to use his intelligence to observe his own behavior. He can watch a movie or read a book and suddenly see himself in majestic outline. With good intellect Joe may begin in a small way to break out of the prison he has made. This happens quite often and when it does Joe (or Josephine) can begin looking for help to sort out their tangled feelings and thoughts.

Since most people have been through some variation of this experience it is easy to identify and to offer some personal experience that Joe can identify with. Once Joe starts to help himself, the rest is fairly easy. With younger people, an offer of a job, or a request for help on a project, even an invitation to take part in a ritual ceremony at school or in the family, might open the door. The trick here is not to give up, but to keep trying. Never quit trying to help Joe. Sometimes the best approach is to wait for some critical incident that causes him to get confused or frantic. At this point it's much easier to make an important intervention.

A brief word about happiness

It's a reasonable assumption that if one has good emotional health there ought to be some associated happy feelings. I don't intend to try and define "being happy", but rather quote John Stewart Mill. I am inclined towards his view when he said "Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind. Even on some art or pursuit followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way".

But if you find Mill's "by the way" too hit-and-miss for your liking, you might try religion, or sex, or shopping, or booze, or Prozac, or even work.

Source

• Verne Kallejian PhD You can e-mail Dr Kallejian at: verne@cybermesa.com

Related Links
An Approach to Understanding Emotional Health (Part 1)
Thriving after Adversity
What to do when you feel scared, anxious or excessively worried

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