What Could He Really Be Thinking about Sex and Romance?

Michael Gurian
June 30, 2005

This article continues our series of extracts from "What Could He Be Thinking?" by Dr Michael Gurian. They come from his chapter on gender differences in attitudes to romance and sex, and are posted with the author's permission.
Robert Griffith, Editor.

There are few areas of life in which the differences in male and female neurochemistry show up as well as in the romance and sex that dominate the early stages of a love relationship. PET scans, MRIs, endocrinological studies, and galvanic skin-response tests now show us how the brains of men and women function when they explore the mysteries of lust and love. Every hope and dream we bring to a candlelit dinner is touched by our nature - our hormones, brain chemicals, and key parts of the brain.

The Link Between Sex and Aggression

For two primary biochemical reasons, sex and aggression are intricately linked in male sexual biology. This is much less the case in females. Three biochemical elements make sure of this.

1. Testosterone. This dominant hormone in men is the human sex and aggression hormone. The higher its levels are in a man, the higher his sex drive and the more aggressive he is. Remember, aggression does not necessarily mean violence. Aggression is a complex activity formed by the whole brain and can mean a hundred kinds of task-focused activities like climbing a corporate ladder or being the best car salesman on the lot. While testosterone is a dominant male hormone, it is the hormone that provides a sexual and aggression/assertiveness baseline for all humans. Higher testosterone levels in women mean higher sex drive and aggression in women, too. When female androgenic hormone (testosterone) levels are cyclically higher near ovulation, women feel a surge of sexual desire; when women are injected, artificially, with testosterone, they become more sexually aggressive, as well as more assertive in the workplace.

2. Vasopressin. Without this brain chemical, sexual activity is very difficult for a man. Like testosterone, the study of vasopressin shows us how greatly sexual activity in men is, at its baseline, an aggression activity. Vasopressin is an aggression chemical found in the amygdala, one of the emotion-aggression centers of the brain, and the anterior hypothalamus, the hormone regulator in the limbic system. Vasopressin is predominantly involved in territorial marking and sexual aggression. During foreplay, this chemical is secreted in males. Interestingly, higher vasopressin levels do not increase the courtship functions in females but instead curtail them. The higher the vasopressin, the more the man wants the woman, but the less the woman wants the man. If during foreplay, the man secretes vasopressin and the woman also does, he'll want her a lot, and she'll want to pull away from him. Like testosterone, vasopressin levels in the brain are partially determined by the testes: if a man is castrated, his testosterone and vasopressin levels both decrease considerably.

3. Dopamine. This neurochemical, which plays a crucial part in the general health of the brain, also plays a key part in male sexual aggression. When dopamine is removed from male brain activity, the male loses sexual desire. He will stop searching for females. When, on the other hand, dopamine is removed from female brain activity, her sexual interest is not affected.

In looking at testosterone, vasopressin, and dopamine, and in noticing the primary link between sex and aggression in men, it's important to remember that the patterns of their activity are not "learned behavior." A boy does not learn how to increase his testosterone levels so that he'll want to pursue mates. He does not learn, from Mom and Dad or society, how to link his vasopressin or dopamine to sexual desire. Nor do girls and women learn to delete the link in their brain systems, that vasopressin provides males. Rather, those brain patterns are set in the womb by the secretion of testosterone levels in the developing male and female brains. We will learn subtle arts concerning our sexuality, but the sexuality is inborn.

It is important for a woman to remember this when she feels frustration with a man who seems far more bent on sexual pursuit and conquest than on long-term romance. Especially in his youth, his brain is wired for sex (foreplay, intercourse, ejaculation) more than for romance (cuddling, exclusive commitment to one mate). Much of his brain activity ends once ejaculation occurs. His brain has been working toward a goal. It is not necessarily the same goal a woman is working toward. For him, romance is generally a means to a sexual end. To her, sex is more likely a means to a beginning.

Sex and Bonding

Female hormones make the woman's brain better wired for Iong-term romantic activity than the man's. Nowhere do we see this more clearly than in oxytocin activity in the hypothalamus. Male oxytocin (bonding chemical) levels are lower than in females. In many men, they can be ten times lower. Just as testosterone levels are much higher in males, oxytocin levels are generally higher in females.

However, there is one time of the day when the male oxytocin levels approach the normal female levels - during sexual orgasm. When a man ejaculates, his oxytocin level shoots up to the levels that females experience during other times of the day. When a man ejaculates, he bonds utterly with her.

Soon his oxytocin level will go back down to its normal level, and when the woman does not receive a phone call from him the next day - despite the fact that he said he loved her and would call her - she is experiencing his postsexual drop in oxytocin.

During orgasm, the female-dominant chemical became his dominant chemical. Testosterone and vasopressin, which got him to the point where he could successfully achieve coitus, receded in dominance - their job complete - and oxytocin, the bonding chemical, took over. But then testosterone and vasopressin begin their journey hack to dominance, while oxytocin recedes.

One of the primary reasons that men want sex more than women (on average) is because it feels so good to them to have the high oxytocin - it feels great to feel so bonded with someone. All humans get an explosion of joyful brain chemistry - oxytocin being a major player - when we achieve bonding. In male biochemistry, sex is the quickest way for a man to bond with a woman. Even though the chemical bond is transitory, nature appears to hope that the transitory bond will turn more permanent - oxytocin receding, but perhaps the man feeling closer and closer to the woman so that, over a period of time, he bonds with her with the more complex brain involvement we call love.

Nature has given females a different way of approaching sex and bonding. Where the young man might feel completed at the point of climax - utterly bonded for the moment - the young woman feels that bonding is a process that has only just begun. For him, chemical bonding will be paramount during the sex act; for her, bonding will go on at a biochemical level throughout the days of courtship and during her preparation for romantic evenings. It will be quite heightened during sex, but her oxytocin levels are so much higher so much of the time that the sex act is better integrated, for her, in the long-term bonding process. She will not tend to emphasize sex as the ultimate activity; it is only a momentary surge in oxytocin. She will emphasize the hundreds of activities, thoughts, phone calls, gifts, candles, feelings that accentuate, every moment of every day, her developing bond with the male.

In presenting this scenario, we are presenting something that can feel like a tragic love story. Perhaps there is no worse pain than wanting something romantic or sexual from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it. Women can spend months, even years, trying to romance romance out of men. Men can spend months, even years, trying to romance sex out of women. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail. All the while, our biochemistry is omnipresent.

Many of the biological factors we have discussed here are gradually becoming a part of our cultural dialogue. Our scientific technologies are enabling us to investigate who we really are as men and women hoping to love each other. When I hear people talking about issues of biological difference, I feel great optimism. Soon, I believe, the almost tragic gap between what men and women want and need from sex and romance will get closed by our new understanding.

Recently I overheard a woman in a restaurant say to her female friend, "You know, I just heard that men glance at a woman's eyes then settle visually on her body, but women glance at a man's body then settle visually on his eyes. That makes sense, doesn't it?" Fragments of biological knowledge seem to be penetrating our culture. It is important that the bits and pieces available become a whole new nature-based vision for human living. That is certainly the intention of What Could He Be Thinking?

For women to carry on relationships with men in a state of ignorance of male biology is tantamount to a woman giving herself over to a stranger.

What Men Need: Expectations and Interpretations

Especially in the first months and year of a relationship, men are sending lots of signals to women about their needs and expectations. These don't as often come out in words as do the women's signals to them. What are some of the signals men are sending?

I am fragile. As men get more and more intimate with a woman, they need a great deal of reassurance. Women often miss this because, especially in the romantic phase of a partnership, men are compelled by nature to appear strong. Since women do not generally select men who are weak (if women do, they don't generally stay with weak or unsatisfactory men for a long period of time), men know quite well that women are more likely to stay loyal to a man who performs well, less loyal to a man who does not. Contemporary divorce statistics support basic human nature. Now that social strictures on divorce have loosened, the majority of divorce petitions (65%) are filed by women. The most common reason a woman seeks divorce is dissatisfaction with the man. Women's power to select mates has increased exponentially by the availability of divorce. Men know that, not only must they keep performing for women, but that the lack of social strictures increases the pressure.

I need to be needed. Human males, like males of nearly every species, are wired to make themselves conspicuous during the mating period. Female black-capped chickadees watch and listen as the male chickadees do vocal combat. Their songs give them the chance to mate, for the females choose the black-capped male who wins the song contest.

Human males are songbirds too, and human females are constantly eavesdropping on the male song, ascertaining just how powerful is the song of the male they are leaning toward selecting. Human males keep singing until chosen, then keep singing throughout life, hoping to send signals of self-worth and significance.

His own fragile ego constantly present, a man sings, "Look at me! Look at what I can do," and hidden within that: "You still need me, don't you?" Working twelve hours a day, he needs to be needed. His work, which may be grueling and miserable, takes on some light because it is needed by the person he loves. The sense he gains from his romantic partner that his efforts are needed helps him to make the work into a song.

Women who take an interest in a man's aggression activities (his work, athletics, computer inventions) and understand his need to show off who he is and what he does can play a pivotal role in bolstering the crucial sense that he is truly needed in the world.

I need you to trust what I do. Especially confounding to many women is a man's deep-seated need to be trusted for what he does, not for everything he does or does not say. During romance, women want a man to say certain things, like "I love you," at just the right moments, with just the right objects - flowers, cards, surprises - mixed in. Men work toward fulfilling this need in females. Yet for men the greater show of love comes in the long term, in what they do, especially to keep their status and perform well for their partner and family.

Practicing Intimate Separateness

Given the difference between male and female brain systems and chemistries during romance, what should we do? Should women just let the whole process continue as it is, often ending up lonely? Should men stop presenting themselves as bridge brains - emotion talkers, perfect mates - during romance? Should women become more sexually promiscuous? What will work?

Given the power of the biology of romance and sex, nature suggests that one of the most important things a woman can do to make a relationship successful is to practice intimate separateness.

If a woman lets a man court her for many months - even enjoying petting, oral sex, and other sexual fun, but withholding intercourse - this simple show of power can affect not only this particular partnership, but her self-image and sense of self-esteem during her years of sexual and romantic maturation. Not surprisingly, a recent study showed that female pleasure was gained through intercourse, but that self-esteem among young women correlated with the withholding of intercourse. High self-esteem of young males, on the other hand, correlated with the gaining of intercourse. Nature is speaking to us loudly here.

I am not saying that a woman who has sex with a man during romance will necessarily have low self-esteem or will necessarily be hurt by the man. I am speaking honestly about biological trends. The trauma many women experience today - having sex with a man after one or two dates and then being quickly or gradually discarded - has been felt by millions of women. In the language of contemporary romance, we use the metaphor, "I keep getting my heart broken." What we mean is that cortisol (stress hormone) levels in the female brain shoot up, placing the brain in trauma, which often induces depression. Countless women are experiencing low- to high-grade depression in their short romantic alliances with males. This depression can be reduced, and female self-esteem increased, if the dance of sexual and romantic love is one that better fits female nature.

We shall post further extracts from Dr Gurian's book in the coming weeks. You can buy his book on-line at Amazon; just click here.

Source

• Michael Gurian. What Could He Be Thinking? : How a Man's Mind Really Works. 1st edition, September 2003. St Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y., 10010

Related Links
Michael Gurian Home Page
Introduction: What Could He Be Thinking?
A Friendly Look at the Male Brain
Seniors, Gender Roles and Androgyny

Please take a moment to give us your comments. For questions about Health matters you may check our "Questions & Answers" Portal and Service.