Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows
T.S. Eliot

This passage summons up the image of a man who feels that life has passed him by; a man who has withdrawn from life and has resigned himself to being alone and lonely.

What is the Problem?

There are very few people who do not know what loneliness is, even though it is not always identified as such. However, it seems the more significant this experience is for us, the more difficult it is to put it into words. What is making so many of us so lonely? Let me first say that being alone does not imply loneliness. If one is in close touch with oneself, or with other people, one can be alone without being lonely. Also, there are vast differences between people in terms of the degree to which they experience loneliness.

The main problem in understanding loneliness is that the very forces that produce isolation are powerful blocks to doing anything about it, once the cause is identified. To be sure, being alone can offer some satisfaction and can feel renewing. So it is possible that someone may feel a dilemma between wanting to reach out to others, while also wanting to be by themselves. Many people also choose to be alone rather than risk being burdened by the problems of relating to other people.

The Need for Privacy

There are several forces that push us to be alone. The first of these is the need to be alone. As it becomes more and more difficult to be alone, privacy becomes more and more a prized commodity, especially in western cultures. For many people, it is difficult to find a place to be alone. For some, their lives are so crowded with people that the only time they are alone is when driving an automobile.

If there is loneliness, it is not because we have the need to be alone. Loneliness is something very different from the privacy we seek. Everyone needs some time alone. People who have blocked this need within themselves may not appreciate those people who make great efforts to be alone.

The Need for Seclusion

There is another time one needs to be alone - when one has creative work to perform. One can only create when one is alone. So, we must seclude ourselves to bring forth something that is within ourselves. This is not being lonely. Rather, we are immersed in the creative process at such times.

The Need to Withdraw

Reacting to people requires considerable energy. If you experience low levels of energy, then you might be experiencing a constant need to be away from people. By being alone, one no longer has to listen, formulate responses and look interested. For some people, having to react to others can add anxiety. As a result, some people search out activities that don't add to their anxiety and require little energy.

I see this kind of withdrawal paralleled in the development of the American dance. There was a time when dancing was a group activity, as in square dances. Then, dancing progressed to just two people moving together. Finally today, the contemporary dance scene consists of two people almost unaware of each other, doing their own thing without touching except at the beginning and the end - their movements and activities unrelated to each other.

The Need to be Separate

The need to withdraw from the world is felt by almost everyone at some time. If we work too hard, or are surrounded by other people all day long, or have to deal with overzealous caregivers, we may wish that everyone would just go away so that we can be alone.

Sometimes people act as though the pressures of other people might swallow them up. They may feel that the only escape is to keep apart from others, and make all contact with people very superficial and brief.

What to do?

These are some of the forces that keep us separate, lonely and isolated from other people. In Part 2 we will talk about some of the ways to combat this isolation and loneliness - if one chooses to do so.