Introduction

In part one, I looked at sources of frequent upset that lie within us. Here I discuss some ways of understanding sources of upset that are outside of us. Bear in mind that in most instances, a situation is the result of both. But for purposes of discussion, they have been divided into two aspects of the problem.

Are you under a lot of stress?

One of the first things to do is to stop and take a look at the big picture. Do you have a lot going on in your life at the moment? It could be that your feeling upset is related to the amount of stress you are under.

Recognizing that you have a lot to juggle is one step towards getting insight into your situation. To use a metaphor- maybe your batteries are being drained by various things, and you need to think about how to recharge them. Having your batteries more, rather than less charged, can mean that you are less likely to be bothered by various people and things. Meditation or other relaxation exercises are good ways to "recharge your batteries" and deal with a lot of stress.

Dealing with people who make undue demands upon you

Dealing with difficult people is a challenge, especially when it is an ongoing situation. While it is normal to have differences of opinion and even conflict with people whom you are close to, dealing with unreasonable demands is another matter. A person may want more from you than you are capable of giving. At such times, they may resort to things like making you feel guilty in order to convince you to meet their demands. At such times assertiveness can be a very handy skill to use.

The difference between assertive and aggressive

Too many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness, and as a result, shy away from what is potentially a very useful way of dealing with difficult people.

Aggressiveness means being a bully, threatening someone and generally being obnoxious. In contrast, assertiveness refers to a well thought out approach to a situation that is based upon respect for both parties. A key element of assertiveness is a sense of self-confidence that comes from knowing what one wants, and not feeling guilty for wanting it.

Reasons for not being assertive

Cecile and Joan are neighbors who both love their daughters and grandchildren very much. But their similarities end there.

Cecile's daughter, Kathy, returned to work when her children were old enough to attend school all day. However, she was not comfortable with them coming home after school to an empty house. So, Kathy asked Cecile if she could be there when the children came home from school.

At first, this seemed like a good idea because Cecile enjoyed being with her grandchildren. And she viewed herself as being a helpful person and took pride in that. But after a couple of months of taking care of them, she realized that it was not quite what she expected it to be.

For one thing, Kathy expected her mother to make sure the children got started with their homework before she returned from work. Often the children were not willing to start their homework. When she tried to get them to do their homework, they would frequently refuse. The result was that Cecile began to feel like the police rather than the loving grandmother she saw herself as being. Moreover, she had already been through this once, while raising her own children.

The situation was not turning out as she had expected, but she felt as if she had no right to change her mind about babysitting. She also realized that she did not like being tied up every afternoon and would like to have had some afternoons to herself.

But Cecile did not say anything to her daughter because she thought that she might sound selfish if she stated her wishes. "Well," she said to herself, "after all, Kathy is my daughter and I ought to help her."

The problem with this kind of thinking is that there is no limit to how much Cecile has to help her, since she views any attempt to think of herself as "selfish". While it is important to help Kathy and spend time with the grandchildren, doing so at Cecile's expense started to leave her feeling stuck, drained and irritable.

As a result she found herself growing less patient with her grandchildren than she would liked to have been. Her husband too noticed that after the first month of baby sitting, she tended to be grumpy and irritable on most days, something he had not noticed previously to this extent.

How to be assertive

Joan too had once upon a time been asked by her daughter, Mary, if she could regularly babysit. She found herself in a dilemma. On the one hand, she loved her daughter and grandchildren and liked to help people. But on the other hand, she also valued her free time, especially since she no longer had to care for young children. She was willing to help her daughter in emergencies, such as when the babysitter was sick, but preferred otherwise not to enter into a regular babysitting arrangement.

Initially, Mary had been surprised and shocked when Joan had said that she could not babysit regularly.

"But I thought you loved the children," Mary said with surprise.

"Of course I do," replied Joan, "but that has nothing to do with babysitting them on a regular basis."

"Well then, if you love them, why can't you be there with them?" persisted Mary, switching into a more plaintive tone.

It was hard for Joan to resist that tone, but she stood her ground, knowing that if she gave in, everyone would be unhappy- Mary, the grandchildren and most of all, her.

"I understand that you want someone you trust to look after the children. And you know that I love them dearly. But at the same time, I also know myself, and my energy level. I simply could not do it on a daily basis," she continued.

She let Mary know that she would always be there to help in emergencies, but wanted to feel free to pursue her own activities. Joan did feel guilty wondering whether she was being selfish in choosing to spend her afternoons with friends, or pursuing her hobbies or even staying alone at home reading. But as she thought about it, she realized that doing something that she really did not feel capable of doing could put her into a bad mood. She thought that it would be better to risk being considered "selfish" and not babysit, thereby being able to look forward to the times when she did see Mary and the grandchildren, rather than dreading their time together.

As you can see from Joan's story, being assertive is not always easy. But when we look at Cecile, and see the price a person pays for not being assertive, the choice between being assertive and not assertive becomes clearer. The option then, is to choose between saying something now, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable for the short term, while the alternative is to say nothing but be unhappy for the long term.

Your ultimate tool

If you find yourself getting frequently getting upset due to external circumstances, think about what can be changed. Even if a situation cannot be completely eliminated, it may be possible to shift things so that they are easier to bear.

If you feel that you are completely, one hundred per cent trapped, remember the ultimate tool: your attitude! How you think about a situation affects how you feel about it - and consequently how you will act. This is a powerful chain of connections that can either make a person feel better in a situation or worse, depending upon how he or she thinks about things.

The next time you find yourself getting excessively upset, take a look at your attitude and see what you can do to activate the chain of connection so that it leaves you feeling better and not worse.