The connection between getting upset and maintaining healthy habits

Getting upset from time to time is a normal part of life. But sometimes, if you find yourself getting upset too easily, it may be worth taking a few minutes to better understand why you are upset.

Having a sense of calm is also good for health, in that it helps a person stick with health habits. The more upset a person is, the less likely they are to stick with a program of balanced eating and exercise. In fact, it is not unusual to see people crave things like cigarettes or food as a response to being upset.

Look at what is making you feel bad

The first step in working your way through feeling upset is to stop and ask yourself: Am I feeling bad because of something inside me? Or am I feeling bad because of something outside of me? Most of the time, it is a combination of the two. For purposes of understanding a situation and working through it, it is helpful to look at both aspects.

On this page, I will focus on how to deal with sources of upset that lie within us. At the end of this page, you will find a link to another page on how to deal with sources of upset that lie outside of us.

How are you viewing a situation?

Stop and check your thinking. Ask yourself if there is any other way to interpret the situation or thing that upsets you, so that you can feel differently about it.

Psychologists call this "reframing". A classic example of this is the roller coaster ride and how a person looks at it. One person may look at it as a source of distress, while another may see it as a source of excitement and fun. A roller coaster is a roller coaster. But the effect it has on a person is a function of how one thinks about it.

On a more serious note, reframing is a useful way of dealing with the anxiety that might accompany a medical procedure such as a colonoscopy. For Mark, going for a colonoscopy was a big source of distress. His physician recommended it as a part of his check up, but Mark was worried about what might turn up during the examination. As a result, he kept postponing the necessary appointment.

In contrast, although Jerry did not look forward to the procedure (after all, who does?), he thought about how relieved he would feel upon hearing that the procedure produced negative results. He too was afraid that the colonoscopy might uncover something. But rather than seeing it only that way, he thought instead about the benefits of early detection of cancer. By reframing the procedure in this way, he was able to focus on the beneficial elements rather than the fearful elements of a colonoscopy.

Balancing the rational mind and the emotional mind

To function well, we need both rationality and emotionality, as each serves a purpose. Think of them as two lenses in a pair of glasses. Each lens is different, and we need to look through both in order to see most clearly.

If you find yourself getting upset too often, stop and check to see how well you are balancing the two. It could be that you need to re-balance your rational mind and emotional mind.

Sarah found herself getting annoyed and angry with her friend Elaine, because she had not called her for the past two weeks. She felt that it was only she who initiated phone calls and began to grow resentful.

The reality is that Sarah could not dictate how Elaine should or should not act. But Elaine's actions were causing her unhappiness when she thought about it.

When Sarah thought of Elaine only with her emotional mind, she found herself with all kinds of negative feelings: she should be calling me and she's not; she's a fair weather friend and I was stupid to have thought otherwise.

Alternatively, understanding Elaine through the rational mind offered Sarah a way to feel less annoyed and disappointed: maybe she is really busy, so she has not called me; or maybe I did misjudge the depth of our friendship, but that does not mean I am stupid.

As it turned out, someone in Elaine's family was unexpectedly ill, so she had been busy helping them out. Eventually, Elaine did get a chance to call Sarah and they were able to meet.

Talk it over with someone

Another option is to talk over your feelings with another person such as a relative, friend or member of the clergy. The person listening to you may not always agree with you, but it is important that they state their differences with respect and kindness, and not talk down to you.

Too often, I have noticed that when friends get together to talk about their problems, one person may state their problem, and the other chimes in, saying yes, it is really terrible. Returning to Sarah's story, an example of this might be where her friend Pam joins in and says that it is indeed awful that Elaine has not called, and that this just shows how shallow a person she is. Pam may think that she is being a good friend by talking like this, but she only serves to deepen Elaine's bad feelings by echoing them.

When someone is sad or has been truly wronged, it makes sense to fully agree with a person's bad feelings. But in cases where a person has a tendency to get upset often, total agreement may be counter productive.

A more constructive approach to talking it over might look like this: Pam acknowledges that Sarah feels let down. It is important to do this before moving on to offering alternate perspectives, as it makes the person feel that they have been taken seriously. Then, she shares some insights from her rational mind that can be diplomatically stated. " I have not heard from Elaine either. So, I am not sure if it has to do with you. I wonder what might be going on with her." By talking like this, she introduces to Sarah the possibility that there might be another explanation that is less personal and negative in nature.

Feeling upset and irritable: a possible sign of depression

If you find yourself getting upset and irritated too often, especially to a point when it begins to interfere with your enjoyment of life, it might be helpful to talk things over with a mental health professional.

Although we typically tend of think of depression as being a state where people are withdrawn and sad, sometimes people's depression is expressed more in terms of irritability. For instance, they may tend to get more upset, be more sensitive to other people's remarks and be bothered by things that may not bother others.

A consultation with a mental health professional can help clarify the situation. Even if it turns out that it is not depression, a mental health professional can still offer useful input in terms of effective ways to handle the excessive upsets.