Types of Answers Seniors May Give

David Solie, MS, PA
March 24, 2005

These extracts from "How to Say It to Seniors" by David Solie concern the sort of answers you sometimes get when talking with elders, and how best to handle them. The extracts are reproduced here with the author's permission.
Robert Griffith, Editor.

Interpreting the Answers

Now that we're more savvy about striking the right tone when we ask questions of senior adults, how do we evaluate the answers we hear? Here are some things to listen for as we measure and note responses.

The Warm-up Answer

Many times our first attempts to bring up sensitive topics only produce what I call warm-up answers. These are responses that don't invite further conversation. Our best strategy is to drop the subject, because the older person has a clear resistance to it at that particular moment. But remember that the person is processing other possible answers constantly. Bring the subject up again at a later time and see if the person's answer is different. Don't fight the warm-up; if we do, we'll leave the person no room to change his or her mind later on. He'll have no choice but to defend the warm-up answer to the grave, even if his thinking changes. When the person arrives at other answers, and we pick up on and give the right verbal and nonverbal signals that say we are available to listen without judging, the elderly person will provide clues to more meaningful answers.

Warm-up answers are frequently heard after treatment is indicated for a serious medical condition. A friend of mine told me the story of her elderly father who had survived a quadruple bypass several years ago. After a recent check-up, his internist reported that his PSA level was high and suggested a biopsy of his prostate. The father refused, and when my friend and her sister tried to persuade him to "follow doctor's orders," he became adamant about not wanting any treatment whatsoever.

It's natural for a daughter, who loves her father, to want to get the most aggressive treatment available, but consider this situation from his perspective: The father's initial refusal of treatment could be a warm-up answer until he can process the fact that, at age 81, he might have cancer as well as heart disease. He may change his mind and be open to another discussion at a later time. Or, his warm-up answer might be his final thought on the matter: his astute judgment call about how he'd like to spend his remaining years.

How to Say It:

"Dad, making this kind of decision is not easy. The most important thing is: What would give you the best quality of life for the greatest number of years? We will go along and support what you feel is right for you."

"Treatment options are improving all the time. Shall we look at some information on one of those Internet medical sites?"

"If that is what you want to do for now, that's what we'll do for now. Just remember that, as you used to tell me, nothing is cut in stone. If you change your mind tomorrow, then we will help you make that change. We're here for you."

The Non-answer

We ask a question and get some sort of response, but achieve no real meeting of the minds or resolution to the matter. We may wonder whether the older person heard us or understood what we were asking. After seeking assurance that we were understood, we need to interpret such a response as a signal that the person does not wish to discuss the matter further.

How to Say It:

"Mrs. Jones, let me clarify my question. Are you comfortable with this upcoming procedure?"

"Aunt Em, just reassure me that you are set for the weekend."

If we still hear noncommittal responses, we might assume that something of significance is being processed underneath the surface and we must use our legacy coaching skills to find out what it is.

The Angry Answer

We think we've asked a benign question ("Mom, did you take your medications today?" "Dad, when do you want to schedule that follow-up appointment?") and we get an explosive response. While we might expect this type of reaction from a hormone-driven adolescent, it's quite a shock to hear it from a mature person. Is the person just having a bad day? Being difficult? Or have we brushed up against some sensitive developmental nerves?

An unexpectedly explosive reaction to a routine question signals that the matter is under intense scrutiny in the person's life review. The person may not be reacting to the content of the question we asked. We may have intruded on what the person considers to be a private matter. What we need to do is back off, at least for the time being, and let the person bring the subject up again later.

How to Say It:

"Sorry, Mom. I'll leave those details up to your good judgment."

"Dad, I'm surprised by your reaction, but I accept it. I know you'll make the call when you feel the time is right."

Allowing senior adults to have some breathing room to calm down and collect their thoughts, to figure out for themselves why the question triggered such emotion, is probably our best strategy. When they figure it out, they'll either dismiss such questions as trivial and not worthy of more discussion, or bring up the subject in another context. By backing off, we place control with them - where it belongs!

You can buy David Solie's book "How to Say It to Seniors" at Amazon.com; click here

Source

• David Solie, MS, PA. How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communications Gap with our Elders. (2004) Prentice Hall Press, New York.

Related Links
How to Talk With Your Elders
Dealing With Differences
Why do I get so Angry?

Please take a moment to give us your comments. For questions about Health matters you may check our "Questions & Answers" Portal and Service.