The Need That Elders Have for Control

David Solie, MS, PA
November 26, 2004

David Solie, who was trained in developmental psychology and medicine, is an insurance broker specializing in the needs of the elderly. In the course of his work he's been confronted by repeated episodes of "elder frustration", which results from the inability of professionals to interact effectively with this age group. He has developed considerable insight into the problem, and distilled his experience in a book "How to Say It to Seniors". With his permission, we reproduce here a second set of excerpts from his book.
Robert Griffith, Editor.

The House

One of my best friends recently went through a tough time with his eighty-three-year-old widowed mom that illustrates the difficulties many of us experience in dealing with our aging parents. This lovely woman would not leave the family home, a charming but run-down Queen Anne structure tucked into a steep Seattle hillside. The woman's mind was as sharp and her spirit as lively as the day she graduated from high school, but she'd had one hip replaced, the other hip was causing her quite a bit of pain, and she found it difficult to climb stairs. The house she refused to leave had no bedroom or bathroom on the main floor; the kitchen was a "fire trap," according to my friend; the roof leaked and needed to be replaced; the exterior needed a complete new paint job; and the yard was overgrown and unsightly. My friend and his sister tried everything to get their mother to move into an assisted living facility, but she refused. Money was not the issue: Their father had left her with $3 million in CDs sitting in a Seattle bank. When reason failed to budge her, they threatened her, and then they tried guilt: "You know, one day we'll come here and find you on the floor, unable to get up. You might even die that way." Her response: "Where would you like me to be when you find me? Under the kitchen table? On the stairs? Out in the garden? Where?"

The two forty-something siblings became so distraught they eventually sought counseling. The counselor's advice: Stop fighting your mother. Fighting hasn't worked. Facilitate her instead.

So my friend and his sister went back to their mom and said, "Okay, Mom. You want to stay here? Here's what we're going to do. We need to install a bathroom on the first floor so you don't have to climb stairs. We'll make an appointment with the fire inspector so that when we remodel the kitchen, we do it in accordance with modern fire code. The roof leaks and will have to be replaced. We'll hire workers to paint the outside of the house. As for the garden, we'll call someone to..."

Her response: "NO! This old house isn't worth it!" And within three months she had moved, with a woman from her church, into a beautifully appointed assisted-living facility just outside the city.

The Need for Control

To maintain control is a primary driver for the elderly, because each day, they feel losses - of strength, health, peers, and authority - that are staggering. As the losses mount, real control over their lives, their health, their living arrangements, even their sense of who they are, is slowly slipping from their grasp. The constant feeling that they are losing control is manifest in various ways, not the least of which is the sometimes negative manner in which they express themselves. Once we understand how profoundly the control driver is operating beneath the surface, motivating almost every move they make, we will be able to appreciate and facilitate our elders in their end-of-life tasks. Once we learn the importance of assisting and not fighting them, communication will become more pleasurable, productive, and effective.

Dealing with "NO!"

How do we typically deal with an elderly person's NO? We mutter under our breath, secretly doubting their sanity or worrying about the onset of dementia. We punish them in some way for what we perceive to be their stubbornness. We are quick to show them the error of their ways. We jump on them, second-guess them, and try to strip them of what little control they have. In essence, we deny them the very developmental breathing room we grant a two-year-old! No wonder we get stonewalled, as the siblings in the opening vignette did. No wonder we experience an uncomfortable interruption of communication. No wonder we can't connect. Do we punish them intentionally? Of course not! We simply fail to respond to the dynamic driving their behavior.

The Redemptive Power of Backing Off

An amazing thing happens when we back off and stop badgering senior adults to do something they are resisting for whatever reason: We give them room to resolve the conflict. Look at the elderly woman from Seattle. The moment her children backed off from their demands to move out of the house, she decided to move. What was the dynamic at work? At last, her children handed her the baton that placed control of this major decision where it belongs - with her. They stopped demanding that she move, told her of plans to facilitate her wishes, and gave her some space to consider what was involved in renovating a dilapidated house. The language they had been using for years was working against the driver that compelled her to hang on to the familiar. Once they stopped using this pressuring language and she heard that control was back on her side, she felt free to make a different decision.

If you encounter resistance from an elderly parent, client, or customer, try rephrasing your concern into a statement or question that offers control.

How to Say It:

Fifty-something woman to elderly parent: "Mom, I sense you don't like the idea of selling the house. I won't mention the subject again, but I'd like to hear your ideas about how we'll maintain it!"

Nurse to elderly patient: "Mrs. Jones, I realize you prefer to see Dr. Phipps, but since he's running late, may I help you with any questions about those new dosages?"

Sales clerk to senior customer: "I'm sorry we don't have that style in stock. Do you want to choose another style or shall I call you when your first choice comes in?"

Lawyer to senior client: "You're right, Mr. Jones. In my eagerness to clinch this deal, I may have rushed you about signing these documents. Do you need more time to consider selling this property?"

We shall post further extracts from David Solie's book "How to Say It to Seniors" on HealthandAge.com. You can buy his book at Amazon.com; click here

Source

• David Solie, MS, PA. How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communications Gap with our Elders. (2004) Prentice Hall Press, New York.

Related Links
How to Talk With Your Elders
Radical Freedom in The Senior Years
What The Preacher Practiced

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