Introduction

As a psychotherapist specializing in marital therapy, I frequently hear wives say, "Why can't my husband talk more, especially about his feelings?" while husbands say, "Why can't my wife just give me the facts? Instead she goes on and on." Similarly, wives ask, "Why can't my husband just listen when I tell him about a problem? He insists on giving me advice," whereas husbands question, "Why does my wife insist I talk to her about my problems? My style is to deal with them myself."

Based on these and related statements, sometimes it seems that men and women want very different things when it comes to communicating.

Conversational differences between men and women

Women generally tend to want connection with others, and to feel close through getting and giving confirmation, empathy and support. For women, an important part of life consists of an effort to develop and preserver intimacy. And conversations help to achieve this goal ¹

While women may tend to think of interactions in a non-hierarchical way, men on the other hand, typically view the world in a hierarchical way such that, during any interaction, one person is in a superior position and the other in an inferior position. In a man's world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand and prevent others from psychologically putting them down or pushing them around. Generally, then, life for men is like a contest, a struggle to preserve independence.

Communication at mid-life

Because each gender tends to operate by a different set of rules, when men and women come together in conversation, problems may arise - because the two genders are, in effect, speaking in different styles.

This communication dilemma is no more evident than at midlife, when couples' children have left home, careers slow down or end, and wives and husbands suddenly find themselves spending more time together. When talking seemingly at cross-purposes results in profound frustration and despair, a spouse may decide to go looking for someone "more like" him- or herself through an affair or divorce. Thus, conflicts arising from differences in conversational styles can have unfortunate consequences for the midlife marriage if they are not managed well.

Differences are evident early in life

Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C., has written several books on this topic. In 'You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation' ², she says, "Intimacy is key in a world of connection where individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which highlights differences. In the world of status, independence is key because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second."

The beginnings of these differences, Tannen notes, can be seen in childhood interactions. Boys and girls tend to play in same-sex groups and, though some play-activities are similar, boys' and girls' favorite games are different.

For example, boys tend to like to play in large groups that are hierarchically structured, with a leader who tells others what to do. Some achieve status by trying to grab center stage through telling stories or jokes and sidetracking or challenging the stories and jokes of others. Boys' games tend to have winners and losers.

Girls, in contrast, usually play in small groups or pairs and the center of a girl's life is her best friend. In their most popular games like jump rope or playing house, everyone gets a turn and there are no winners or losers. Much of the time they sit and talk together. They're more concerned with being liked than achieving status.

Adults in conversation

As adults, women have a reputation for talking too much. Studies show, however, that in public, it is men who talk more than women. After lectures and in workshops, for example, men almost invariably ask the first question and ask more questions than women. This might be due to the idea put forth by Tannen that men typically engage in "report talk" - a display of knowledge and skill and a way of holding center stage through verbal performance.

In contrast, women seem to feel more comfortable speaking at home, in private. This is because women, by and large, engage in "rapport talk" - a way of establishing connection by exchanging similar stories. So that if a woman tells her friend, "I had a terrible day at work. My boss criticized my report," her friend may very reply with, "I know what you mean. That happened to me. It made me upset." Thus it can be said that men use language for self-display whereas women use it to express affiliation.

How differences can lead to misunderstanding

This difference in the use of language can lead to misunderstandings between men and women. For example, during a psychotherapy session, one of my clients told me that during sex she told her husband to "do that softer" whereupon her husband got angry. When we discussed this interaction, her husband revealed that he had felt bossed by his wife. While she saw her suggestion as helpful for the relationship, he saw it as adversarial - a contest of wills. The wife's request was interpreted by the husband as an attempt to control him.

As this example illustrates, men may feel as though they are in a daily fight for their freedom and independence. Ironically, it has been more often the case that women's lives - not men's - have been controlled and limited by the demands of others, namely their children and husband. Yet women don't have a fear of this control because they see people as interdependent and they expect their actions to be influenced by others, and for people to act in concert with one another.

How to avoid misunderstandings

In all conversations, there are always two sides: that of the speaker and that of the listener. The key to avoiding misinterpreting statements is for couples to realize that one's partner most likely has a different conversational style than one's own, and to think about how a message could be heard differently than was intended.

For example, although wife 'Mary' is inclined to say to her husband 'John', "Let's go out for breakfast today," she might think twice about framing her idea in this way, knowing that 'John' tends to interpret such statements as demands. Instead, it would be better for her to say, "I'd like to go out for breakfast today. What would you like to do?"

Similarly, if 'John' hears 'Mary' make a suggestion, he will need to keep in mind that she is not attempting to boss him around. Rather, she is offering ideas to spend time together for the good of their relationship. It therefore becomes possible to listen with "a different ear", that is, to reinterpret one's spouse's statements in a more neutral light. The result is that couples will be more able to tolerate one another's styles without feeling criticized or bullied.

In this way, both partners must try to anticipate how their statements might be distorted because of the differences in conversational style between men and women. They must then re-state them in ways that will be more neutral and therefore more tolerable to one another. Learning how to interpret one's spouse's messages and how to explain one's own in a way that he or she can understand is the prudent route to take.

The importance of "I statements"

An easy technique to keep in mind when making statements to one another is to use "I statements". According to this technique, one takes responsibility for one's feelings, needs, desires and thoughts by starting sentences with "I feel,'' "I think" or "I would like" and so on. Using this rule keeps statements short, direct and clear. It leaves little room for misinterpretation. The use of "I statements" also reduces the likelihood that the listener will feel accused when the speaker talks in such a way. Consider for instance how a person might react to the following "You make me upset when you come home late without calling." A more effective way, using I statements would be " I feel upset when you come home late without calling.''

The speaker-listener technique

The next step after learning to state issues using "I statements" is to engage in an active dialogue with one's partner. This is a special form of dialogue used in many forms of conflict resolution. In the field of couple's communication, this exchange of views is sometimes referred to as the "Speaker-Listener Technique" ³.

As the term suggests, it is a way for both people to have a fair chance at stating their views, and also being heard in a respectful way. The partner who is listening to the "I statements" must then reflect back what was said. A typical reflective comment begins with, "So what you're saying is..." Before the conversation can move along, the speaker must be certain that the listener has heard his or her statements correctly.

After one partner has made "I statements", has expressed his or her thoughts about a topic, and feels that he or she has been understood, the other partner takes a turn. In addition to promoting mutual understanding, this form of communication slows down the conversation, there by reducing the risk of misunderstanding or escalation. This also allows sufficient time to identify and correct misinterpretations immediately so they can be cleared up. It also keeps both partners involved in the conversation ³.

Summary

Researchers don't really know why men and women seem to have such different ways of communicating. Nevertheless, it is certain that such differences can lead to misunderstanding, tension and conflict in relationships.

The best way to avoid this conflict is to understand, in the first place, that men and women use language differently. Knowing this, each partner will be more likely to interpret his or her partner's statements as a function of these gender differences rather than as personal attacks or an indication of psychological problems on the part of the other person.

When it comes to communicating with the opposite sex, a willingness to listen with compassion and without defensiveness can make all the difference in the world.