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Helping Family and Loved Ones |
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 Decisionmaking
for Family and Loved Ones
Serious illness can suddenly make families come together more closely
than they may have been for years. Adult brothers and sisters may
have to understand what is happening to their parents and to make
decisions. In some situations, it is clear who will decide and how.
In others, there are too many options, too much friction, and too
little practice in making decisions together (and the patient and
the family suffer for it). Think about how your family operates. Could
you make a decision about a business matter without one of you being
in charge? Are you still arguing about what to have for lunch when
it's time for supper? Do you tolerate one another's shortcomings and
habits or annoy one another endlessly?
How your family and closest friends unite is something that they and
you can plan. Perhaps it will be best for you to make many decisions
in advance, or to name one person who has final authority. Perhaps
it will be fine to let things go, trusting them to work out. However,
it is almost always best to check out ideas with each other first.
Let your family learn what it is to pull together on some early issues
that really don't matter too much. Rather than letting the first family
decision be something really shattering, like selling a family home
or stopping a ventilator, start by figuring out how to make decisions
on which doctor to stay with, or whether to take a trip.
Reflect a bit on how the family is working and how it will do without
you. Encourage family to think about who will fill some of your roles.
If you are the one who always remembers birthdays or hosts the celebrations,
encourage others to start doing these things. Offer advice, or share
your address book or calendar. If they say that this is uncomfortable
while you are still alive, be glad to keep the role while you can
but be gently forceful about passing it along, too. Remember, these
are the same children who were so eager to learn to drive, get a place
of their own, or stop calling if they were going to be late. They
can take on some of your responsibilities now when you are ready for
them to.
Sometimes families really are too distant, either emotionally or geographically,
to work together. Instead, hope for some camaraderie and contact.
And, of course, some people have no family or friends at all and rely
on volunteers and health care providers.
At times, families and loved ones get into fierce disagreements over
the treatment of a seriously ill family member. All too often, a caregiving
family member pitted against a distant family member who may feel
guilty for not "being there. " If there has been a history of feeling
left out, arguing, or providing an unfair share of caregiving, there
can be deep resentment, too.
Often, family members need some perspective. Starting a conversation
with a prayer, if that is in your tradition, may set the right tone
of humility, service, and working together for something important.
Turning to a professional for help is also worthwhile. A chaplain,
social worker, nurse, or doctor may be able to listen and advise.
It is not as important to be "right" as much as it is to be dedicated,
helpful, and forgiving. |
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Adapted from The
Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness,
by Joanne Lynn and Joan Harrold, copyright by Joanne Lynn, used by
permission of Oxford University Press.
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