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Table of Contents |
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Introduction |
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When a friend or loved one grieves, it can be frustrating
for those of us who want to help. Here are some suggestions for those
who want to know what they can do to help those who are grieving.
In Part 1, I discussed various aspects of grief. Here I discuss what
to do when someone is grieving. |
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What to do |
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So much of grieving is determined by family background.
That means that a grieving person may not be able to recognize how
much of their feelings are due to their own ways of being and how
much are due to their familial and cultural background. If the survivor
is left alone and estranged from, or without, family, it may be possible
to get help from a hospice counselor or a visiting nurse. |
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Letter to the departed |
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One tool that has been very helpful to many people is
to ask the grieving person to write a lengthy letter to the person
who is gone. This is a private document, and the grieving person is
advised to write everything down. Sometimes the writer will imagine
that the departed spouse will hear all the things that are being written.
Sometimes these documents become large books. Sometimes they are re-read
many times by the writer. At some point the document is put away in
a safe place and often forgotten. Sometimes the writer offers the
document to a trusted friend who can read what was written and understand
better the issues the grieving person is struggling with. I recommend
this tool for anyone grieving, who is willing to take the time to
put their thoughts and feelings into writing. |
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Making decisions about the future |
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At some point after the loss, it is time to start making
decisions about where to live, how to live (lifestyle), financial
resources and finding new friends. A family member or caregiver who
is available may be necessary to help with this transition. The grieving
person cannot even think about finding a new partner or making a new
life in the middle of grieving. With the passage of time and the gradual
return from withdrawal the grieving person can find new friends, and
maybe even romance and a new partner. At the appropriate time it is
possible to involve the grieving person in evaluating their progress
in the grieving process, and seeing what yet needs to be done. |
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Seeing behind a "Strong Front" |
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The course of grieving is an individual process and
no two people will grieve in the same way. Even if some people go
on with their life as if nothing had happened, the grief is still
present in their feelings, dreams and physiological changes. This
stoic approach to grief is frequently designed to maintain a good
social front and not be a burden to friends and family - especially
the children. If someone asks, the grieving person is usually willing
to talk about what they are experiencing. Thoughtful people, children
and other family make a point of being around for days or weeks at
a time. Nothing is said and nothing is expected. They are just there
because they care and are willing to be helpful if the need arises.
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Well meaning advice |
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Well intentioned people may respond to another person's
grief by giving all kinds of "good advice". This may or
may not be graciously accepted by the grieving person. Some may take
such advice in stride and others may react with anger or upset, especially
if they find the topic too painful.
One common serious error is to assume that you know what a grieving
person is experiencing. If there is enough trust, he or she will tell
you things you couldn't even imagine. They will dissect their own
anger, guilt, and confusion in the processing of trying to be understood.
However, "good advice" doesn't always help and in fact may
make the situation worse. But listening with concern does help a lot,
however.
Funeral arrangements can be made well ahead of time when both partners
are in good health. It is good practice to plan ahead, before the
need arises. Do some research and comparison-shop. Get a written contract
with cancellation and refund provisions.
People who have completed these tasks in advance attest to a "peace
of mind". If they haven't been done, it is time to call legal
and financial professionals to get things in order. |
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Blocks to successful grieving |
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A "big death" or a "little death"
requires some period of mourning or grieving in order to integrate
the loss into one's life. If this doesn't happen, then the loss will
affect well-being and influence daily decisions.
You may ask, "Why would a person avoid the process of successful
grieving?" There are a host of reasons why this is so. Some of
them are listed below.
Sometimes a person may not expect to mourn loss other than from a
"big death". More often feelings of anxiety, anger, rejection,
and guilt may complicate or obscure the underlying grief. It is also
possible that emotional blocks due to previous unresolved losses may
prevent the person from dealing with the new loss.
Sex roles or cultural conditions can block the normal expression of
feelings. The impulse to trivialize the loss can be a double insult.
The inability to ask for help, or the need to put on a good front
with family or friends, just intensifies the failure of the process.
Grief creates a frightening sense of helplessness. It also creates
the anxiety of traveling through unknown territory. Fears are very
close to the surface and are difficult to control. If a person is
afraid of new feelings and new experiences, one possible response
might be to just ignore the loss and shift their attention on to something
else. All of these may threaten a person's self-image, and in turn,
make him or her reluctant to ask for help.
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How does it end ? |
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Because everyone is different, the process of recovery
may be brief or lengthy, as there is no fixed time frame that fits
everyone.
When one keeps an open mind, grief provides insights never experienced
before and sharpens spiritual awareness. This is a tough way to learn
about life, but the opportunity to learn is there if one is open to
it.
There are indicators that signal the slow recovery from grief and
grieving. If grieving has been masked under a frenzy of activities,
there is a slowing down of excessive activity. A stoic social front
may begin to break down a little. The grieving person may become more
comfortable in asking for help and accepting it. The person begins
to be aware that recovery is a choice and that bereavement offers
an opportunity for growth. Eventually, the grieving person discovers
that he or she is able to engage in new relationships that are rewarding.
After grieving has diminished to a point where bodily functions have
returned to normal, and where one can think clearly, the grieving
person may experience this in terms of a feeling of more energy and
the ability to make "good" decisions once again.
At this point, it becomes time to think about the living and not the
dead. It is very helpful if the grieving person brings friends and
family into her or his world and has regular contact with them.
Feelings of loss, especially with regard to a loved one, can never
completely go away. There will always be moments when we will miss
them. But there does come a point in the process when the grieving
person makes an effort to live each day fully and enjoy it - despite
the loss.. Then the end is in sight.
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