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Enduring and Changing |
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 About
Relationships
By nature, we are social beings and define ourselves by our relationships:
parent, child, spouse, sibling, friend, and so forth. These relationships
remain crucial when you are ill. But your illness can improve them
or shatter them. How these relationships emerge from this experience
will depend on how healthy they were to begin with and how open all
those involved are willing to be. Maintaining connections to those
you care about is conducive to a feeling of well-being. The practical
support that others are willing to give you, along with their love
and concern, can be an important source of strength and comfort.
Judy was 45 when her kidney cancer returned. In the course of chemotherapy,
she attended a family picnic, where she laughed heartily when all
of the men removed their baseball caps to show off their newly shaved
heads, a sign, they said, of their solidarity with her, and their
enduring love.
You will probably discover that many people will feel uncomfortable
because of their own fears of dying and awkwardness around the subject
of illness. They may distance themselves. If you can be open and share
your feelings, including your frustrations and your fears, you may
give them a way to deal with their own apprehension. Be prepared,
though; some people may never want to deal with your illness and your
only options will be to adapt or to let them go. Over time, you will
know those with whom you can be most comfortable, and you can focus
your energy on sustaining those relationships for as long as possible.
If conflict has strained an important relationship, it is worth the
effort to try to mend the differences. If you feel inept at attempting
this on your own, or your illness has depleted necessary physical
and mental resources, seek the help of a counselor, chaplain, or other
professional.
Professional mediators, who are trained to facilitate discussions
and help resolve conflict, can be helpful; so too can anyone with
interpersonal and communication skills. Working toward mending rifts
among family or friends can be an important gift to yourself and those
you love, but recognize as well that some relationships are beyond
repair.
Norma was able to benefit from just such an intervention. She had
long thought her children were indifferent to her and became resentful
of their behavior. A social worker from the hospice gathered the family
members together. During that time, they realized that most of what
divided them was not so terribly important and often was based on
misunderstandings. This left the family much closer and more supportive
than they ever could have been if things were never said and feelings
were never expressed. Although your life is ending, those left behind
will have memories that can often be freed of bitterness. |
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Adapted from The
Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness,
by Joanne Lynn and Joan Harrold, copyright by Joanne Lynn, used by
permission of Oxford University Press.
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