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Enduring and Changing |
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 Mourning
Your Losses
The downward spiral of emotion and the roller-coaster feelings are
the natural consequence of loss. Like most, you have undoubtedly experienced
loss in the past. Perhaps you lost a pet as a child. You might remember
the loss of a "first love," or friends left behind when your family
moved away. You will often have lost important relationships through
separation, divorce, and death. Now you are confronting the loss of
your life as well as your dreams for the future.
Norma summed it up well. "Death is the least of my worries. I
always knew it would happen someday. But it's watching part of me
die each day that is so terrifying." Of course, she is referring
to her succession of physical losses. Your losses may be different.
You may not have the energy or spirit to function well as a parent,
spouse, or friend. You may not have the strength to work or pursue
activities you once enjoyed. You may often want to be alone.
Medications may make you very tired. You may be alone because family
and friends begin to distance themselves, in part as a way to cope
with their own loss. It is then that you will realize that life is
propelling you to the finish line over the roughest terrain you could
ever have imagined. Can you recover from the changes and disappointments?
It is possible to survive the "little deaths" if you are
able to mourn your losses as they occur.
In spite of what our society suggests or well-intentioned friends
offer, mourning is a normal, healthy response to loss. It helps us
to survive all kinds of troubles, so that we can make the necessary
adjustments to changes. It's generally easier to mourn for another
and perhaps it feels a bit self-indulgent to mourn for yourself, but
letting yourself do so can be healing for your body and your mind.
What's especially important is that you find a way to mourn that makes
sense to you and ultimately brings you some portion of comfort. You
may find that crying provides the best release, especially when sadness
overwhelms you. Far from being a sign of weakness, crying is one way
to soften the emotional pain brought on by the changes in your life.
Whether you are able to cry and how often depends on your individual
temperament and the significance of the loss.
The need to grieve for your losses in this way (or in whatever way
you are comfortable with) will recur at different times in your illness.
Norma, who referred to "little deaths" happening each day,
said, "I find that every time my body lets me down or I see myself
getting thinner, I become inconsolable. I wish that I could pull the
covers over my head and disappear." Crying can be a good way
to mourn the "little deaths." Other ways can be just as
effective.
A
Case Study
Gloria was in her late forties when she was diagnosed with breast
cancer, a disease that had killed her mother when Gloria was 17. Now,
her own children were in grade school, and she needed to reassure
them about her health while preparing for just how sick treatment
would make her.
Because chemotherapy would make her hair fall out, she had tried to
prepare herself for that eventuality by cutting her luxurious, long
black hair. One day, though, while talking to the children about what
it would be like to see Mommy bald, she decided to let them cut her
hair. She herself had always wondered how it would look cropped, or
cut stylishly short. Her daughter was given one side to trim as she
pleased. Gloria's husband asked to do the other. In the end, her hair
was a little ragged and uneven, not quite professional or stylish
but lovingly styled and, for a while, beautiful to Gloria and her
family. The love Gloria's family shared is what matters, and what
will be remembered. |
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Adapted from The
Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness,
by Joanne Lynn and Joan Harrold, copyright by Joanne Lynn, used by
permission of Oxford University Press.
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