Question

I've just got divorced and find that I can't stop crying whenever anyone asks me a question. I don't think this is normal, but I'm not sure what to do. Can you advise me?

Answer

Despite the fact that your divorce may ultimately be the best thing for you, please be kind to yourself about feeling the way you do. Your feelings are very normal as you are grieving for something familiar which you have lost. Simply explained, crying the way you describe is a symptom of depression. Loss of a loved one or a marriage can cause depression, and depression is a part of grieving.
 

Grieving is usually associated with the death of someone important in your life. This can be referred to as "big death", since it usually involves a family member or friend. However, life is full of "little deaths" as well. They occur unexpectedly and take many forms such as: the loss of a marriage; the unexplained loss of a job; the loss of a pet; loss of a budding romance; or an expectation of someone that is not fulfilled. Little deaths also can consist of such things as an investment that goes awry, or a dent in the fender of your new car. And there is always the unexpected illness or injury that forces an immediate alteration in one's lifestyle and relationships.
 

Although the article we provide the link below for focuses on the "big death", most of the processes described here also apply to "little deaths", such as you are experiencing. These "little deaths" can elicit grief, anxiety, and depression that is every bit as painful and profound as grief associated with "big death. "Little deaths" can only be measured by determining the extent to which they are disruptive to lifestyle. It is important to note that "little deaths" for some people have more profound effects than "big deaths".
 

Loss of a loved one or a marriage can cause depression, and depression is a part of grieving. Grief is an inevitable, universal experience. So much of life is about loss. But whilst grief is the 'normal' emotional response to loss, there is no 'normal' reaction to grief as it is personal and therefore different for each person. The stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Hope for the future. On average it takes 18-24 months to go through all of these stages, though sometimes, depending on the person or circumstance, the time can vary. The provided links may be helpful to you in understanding what is happening to you, but you would also be advised to gather good support around you as in understanding and helpful friends and/or family, as you may possibly have children dependant on your support and guidance at this time. We hope all goes well for you.
 

You can get help for your depression by working through the following six steps.1 Get medical help. Consult with your doctor or a psychiatrist to see if you need antidepressant medication. Don't fight it but accept advice and get the help you need. - 2 Talk to trustworthy people - friends, find a support group, or consult with a pastor or therapist. Don't stay isolated. You need other people in your life to feel care, joy, and meaning. - 3 Grieve your losses. Past losses need to be grieved, whether the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relational disappointment, childhood injuries, or some other loss. To share your sadness with a trusted confidante and to receive comfort will in due time heal a reactive depression. - 4 Mobilize your anger to take better care of yourself. You may have been violated, criticized, or hurt in the past and accepted a judgment that you are of little value or are "eligible" to be mistreated. The pain of these past injuries then gets perpetuated if you misdirect your anger inward as self-criticism or let it stagnate in a pool of resentment. -5 Dealing with your anger will help to lift your depression. -6 Think positively. People who are depressed struggle with negative thinking. Low self-esteem, guilt, and hopelessness besiege them. Don't give in to negativity. Discipline yourself to think positive thoughts about yourself, your life, and your future. Do something good for yourself even if you don't feel like it. Take a bubble bath while listening to your favorite music. Go for a walk with a friend on the beach or at a park. Write a letter to a friend. Smile to a stranger. Even "little" things like these can make a big difference in how you feel.
 

And when you establish the support and help you need, you will feel empowered to get on with your new stage in your life and be ready to face new opportunities.
 

Related Links
Understanding your Emotions - Know about Grieving (Part 1)
Understanding your Emotions - Know about Grieving (Part 2)
DIVORCE: A Crisis, Any Way You Look At It
Individual and group support
Life after divorce