At some point the grieving person much make a decision to recover from grieving. This is a difficult decision. If the grieving period is too short the loss is not integrated into the person's life space and can have negative consequences.

Introduction

When a friend or loved one grieves, it can be frustrating for those of us who want to help. Here are some suggestions for those who want to know what they can do to help those who are grieving. In Part 1, I discussed various aspects of grief. Here I discuss what to do when someone is grieving.

What to do

So much of grieving is determined by family background. That means that a grieving person may not be able to recognize how much of their feelings are due to their own ways of being and how much are due to their familial and cultural background. If the survivor is left alone and estranged from, or without, family, it may be possible to get help from a hospice counselor or a visiting nurse.

Letter to the departed

One tool that has been very helpful to many people is to ask the grieving person to write a lengthy letter to the person who is gone. This is a private document, and the grieving person is advised to write everything down. Sometimes the writer will imagine that the departed spouse will hear all the things that are being written. Sometimes these documents become large books. Sometimes they are re-read many times by the writer. At some point the document is put away in a safe place and often forgotten. Sometimes the writer offers the document to a trusted friend who can read what was written and understand better the issues the grieving person is struggling with. I recommend this tool for anyone grieving, who is willing to take the time to put their thoughts and feelings into writing.

Making decisions about the future

At some point after the loss, it is time to start making decisions about where to live, how to live (lifestyle), financial resources and finding new friends. A family member or caregiver who is available may be necessary to help with this transition. The grieving person cannot even think about finding a new partner or making a new life in the middle of grieving. With the passage of time and the gradual return from withdrawal the grieving person can find new friends, and maybe even romance and a new partner. At the appropriate time it is possible to involve the grieving person in evaluating their progress in the grieving process, and seeing what yet needs to be done.

Seeing behind a "Strong Front"

The course of grieving is an individual process and no two people will grieve in the same way. Even if some people go on with their life as if nothing had happened, the grief is still present in their feelings, dreams and physiological changes. This stoic approach to grief is frequently designed to maintain a good social front and not be a burden to friends and family - especially the children. If someone asks, the grieving person is usually willing to talk about what they are experiencing. Thoughtful people, children and other family make a point of being around for days or weeks at a time. Nothing is said and nothing is expected. They are just there because they care and are willing to be helpful if the need arises.

Well meaning advice

Well intentioned people may respond to another person's grief by giving all kinds of "good advice". This may or may not be graciously accepted by the grieving person. Some may take such advice in stride and others may react with anger or upset, especially if they find the topic too painful.

One common serious error is to assume that you know what a grieving person is experiencing. If there is enough trust, he or she will tell you things you couldn't even imagine. They will dissect their own anger, guilt, and confusion in the processing of trying to be understood. However, "good advice" doesn't always help and in fact may make the situation worse. But listening with concern does help a lot, however.

Blocks to successful grieving

A "big death" or a "little death" requires some period of mourning or grieving in order to integrate the loss into one's life. If this doesn't happen, then the loss will affect well-being and influence daily decisions.

You may ask, "Why would a person avoid the process of successful grieving?" There are a host of reasons why this is so. Some of them are listed below.

Sometimes a person may not expect to mourn loss other than from a "big death". More often feelings of anxiety, anger, rejection, and guilt may complicate or obscure the underlying grief. It is also possible that emotional blocks due to previous unresolved losses may prevent the person from dealing with the new loss.

Sex roles or cultural conditions can block the normal expression of feelings. The impulse to trivialize the loss can be a double insult. The inability to ask for help, or the need to put on a good front with family or friends, just intensifies the failure of the process.

Grief creates a frightening sense of helplessness. It also creates the anxiety of traveling through unknown territory. Fears are very close to the surface and are difficult to control. If a person is afraid of new feelings and new experiences, one possible response might be to just ignore the loss and shift their attention on to something else. All of these may threaten a person's self-image, and in turn, make him or her reluctant to ask for help.

How does it end?

Because everyone is different, the process of recovery may be brief or lengthy, as there is no fixed time frame that fits everyone.

When one keeps an open mind, grief provides insights never experienced before and sharpens spiritual awareness. This is a tough way to learn about life, but the opportunity to learn is there if one is open to it.

There are indicators that signal the slow recovery from grief and grieving. If grieving has been masked under a frenzy of activities, there is a slowing down of excessive activity. A stoic social front may begin to break down a little. The grieving person may become more comfortable in asking for help and accepting it. The person begins to be aware that recovery is a choice and that bereavement offers an opportunity for growth. Eventually, the grieving person discovers that he or she is able to engage in new relationships that are rewarding.

After grieving has diminished to a point where bodily functions have returned to normal, and where one can think clearly, the grieving person may experience this in terms of a feeling of more energy and the ability to make "good" decisions once again.

At this point, it becomes time to think about the living and not the dead. It is very helpful if the grieving person brings friends and family into her or his world and has regular contact with them.

Feelings of loss, especially with regard to a loved one, can never completely go away. There will always be moments when we will miss them. But there does come a point in the process when the grieving person makes an effort to live each day fully and enjoy it - despite the loss.. Then the end is in sight.

Links

• Understanding your Emotions - Know about Grieving (Part 1)
• For further information on grief and grief related support organizations
• Senior Meeting Place : Meet Other Seniors Here
• Why do I Get So Anxious?
• Why do I get so Angry?

Cry until you Laugh, Robert J. Obershaw Handbook of Bereavement Research, Editors Margaret S. Stroebe et. al. Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss, Edited by Robert E. Neimeyer, PhD