To repair a marriage after an affair, both spouses will need to take responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. This article explains how to rebuild after an affair and how to avoid common pitfalls that can occur at such times.

The secret is out

Once an affair has been revealed, both partners' feelings can run wild. People may experience a range of emotions such as anger, shock, or sadness - either alone or in combination with one another. In order to survive an affair, it is important for both spouses to carefully consider what to do next and refrain from acting impulsively.

Proceed carefully

This is not a time to take irrevocable action or to make any decisions about the future of the marriage. It is not a time to seek revenge or retaliate. Nor is it the time to indulge in alcohol or other numbing substances, no matter how tempting it might be to 'drown one's sorrows.' These substances often lower one's sense of internal control, and can therefore increase the risk of violence if and when arguments arise - and they are bound to do so.

Seek support

Instead, it is best to turn to supportive people in one's life who will be good listeners, provide comfort and keep one's confidence. However, it is essential not to ask these individuals to take sides. Also, beware of unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends and family: tell them they will be most helpful by serving as a neutral sounding board. And whatever happens, it is imperative that children are not brought into the fray.

After an affair has been disclosed, it is a good time to try to sit with one's feelings rather than act them out in destructive ways.

Coping effectively with anger

Anger may emerge at such times. Don't give in to the urge to vent it by yelling, throwing objects or punching a pillow. All of these methods don't help you get rid of your anger. In fact, they escalate it. Instead, seek to calm yourself. It is well worth the effort to calm yourself, as you are less likely to say or do things you may later regret.

If you are upset, try to go for a walk or exercise. Talk things over with a sympathetic listener. Practice meditation or deep breathing. (For more information on how deep breathing can help you cope with upsetting situations, please see the link at end of this article.)

Understand what happened

Although the temptation will be there to focus on the third party - the outsider who took part in the affair with one's partner - it is crucial to realize and remember that the third party is not the problem. It is very likely that the affair happened because of buried issues that slowly ate away at the marital relationship. Energy is better spent on identifying these problems, taking responsibility for one's part in them and finding ways to resolve them.

Improving communication

As with most emotional growth, pain can provide a motivation for change. This is therefore a time to learn how to be honest with oneself and one's partner. Communicating strong feelings without losing control or running away is a tricky skill. But it is one of the keys to a successful relationship. Moreover, it is the basis for emotional intimacy. It allows each partner to share and take responsibility for his or her feelings, as well as to express respect and acceptance of one's partner's feelings. (For more information on healthy relationships, see the link at the end of article.)

Problems with conflict or intimacy

People who tend to avoid conflict, and those who are fearful of intimacy, especially need to learn how to communicate effectively and safely. Those who tend to avoid conflict need to figure out how to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, express them without losing composure and develop ways to arrive at a compromise. Those who tend to avoid intimacy need to risk sharing their innermost feelings and, when feeling too vulnerable, back off and regain their confidence before engaging in that very personal kind of conversation again.

Learning to address old issues in new ways

For the relationship to survive and improve, old issues must be addressed in new ways. In order to do this, both partners should learn to:

• Provide information that aids in understanding, rather than being evasive or blaming. Don't say, "I don't know why I lied." Rather, think about your motivations and share them as they occur to you. Instead you can say, "I guess I was worried that you would be angry if I told you that I have a hard time with the fact that you always seem so upset with me ."
• Tolerate and acknowledge the other's pain without becoming defensive. Instead of saying, "I wouldn't have done it if you had been more ______ (fill in the blank), "say, for example, "I know you're very angry. "
• Share emotions without being critical. State, "I was feeling lonely in our marriage" rather than "You never spent enough time with me."
• Identify changes in the relationship such as marrying, moving, changing jobs, having children, and so on that may have contributed to your growing apart. For instance, though most parents love their children, kids take up a lot of time and make it difficult for spouses to spend time together. Some people build up resentment about this and even feel a sense of abandonment . Talk about the hurts and disappointments that never got discussed or acknowledged.
• Talk about how things got off track. Say, "When you started taking weekends to play golf with your friends, I should have told you I felt as if you preferred their company to mine ."
• Talk about what is needed for each to be more comfortable and content. Remind your partner, for example, "It's still a problem that you don't call when you're going to be late. I need you to let me know your plans. "

Additionally, each partner must:

• Work at accepting disappointments. Your spouse isn't perfect and cannot be everything you might want him or her to be.
• Find ways to let your caring be seen, even if you fear intimacy.
• Find ways to expose your less agreeable self, even if you are uncomfortable with conflict. Learn how to say 'no' and to be assertive.
• Give up the overwhelming need for self-protection and the apprehension that your spouse won't like the 'real you.'
• Speak up when you have a concern - don't let it slide so that it builds into resentment.
• Identify for yourself what you will and will not accept and then share that information with your partner.
• Tell your partner when you need physical or emotional space, and reassure him or her that you will be available to him or her again by the end of the day.
• Find hobbies and sources of pleasure that don't always include your spouse. Learn how to tolerate your spouse's external activities.
• Be prepared to experience sadness since all relationships involve compromise and the giving up of some of one's needs and desires.

Conclusion

Sometimes, no matter how hard one works at it, one comes to the realization that a marriage is not worth saving or cannot be saved. Maybe what drew the two partners together were old, unhealthy habits. It could also be that the couple grew in different directions over the years. A decision to end a marriage should be made only after one has tried one's best to repair it. It is a decision that should not be made when one is upset or angry.

Partners can expect the rebuilding process to have its ups and downs. It takes energy, concentration and patience to change old habits. Change takes time and prolonged effort. If the process gets stuck, it's a good idea to enlist the help of a mental health professional or member of the clergy who is trained in counseling.

Because of the work both partners engage in regarding resolving problems in the relationship, friendship may be a possibility in the future. If the relationship ends, it is either a chance to repeat unhealthy patterns or use what occurred to better understand oneself and avoid having the same problems happen again. Please see link below to part 2 of this article: Affairs Part 2: Understanding What Went Wrong

Source

Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity Emily M. Brown, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Inc, 1999

Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy Frank S. Pittman, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1989

Links related to 'Infidelity in Marriage - How to Survive an Affair' 

• Affairs Part 2: Understanding What Went Wrong
• Healthy Relationships
• Take a Deep Breath... and Relax

Divorce Busting: A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together by Michele Weiner-Davis Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity by Emily M. Brown Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank S. Pittman